Just for laughs...

Hands Off Our Balls, You Wallabies! 0

Let's be honest: South Africans could not be more delighted that Bancroft was caught with his hands in his pants. We hate those Ozzie bastards, from that monstrosity of an accent to the painful 1999 run-out that we have not yet recovered from. 


But those ungracious Vegemite noshers who hail from that prison island off the coast of New Zealand have finally proven their worth, with the marvellous bit of filthy cheating they orchestrated on the weekend. Australian cricket captain Steve Smith incredibly admitted to a premeditated plan for Cameron Bancroft to illegally alter the ball's condition during day three of the Test against SA. Which means bowler Bancroft snuck a piece of sandpaper out of his pocket to rub the ball, and once he realised he had been spotted, tried to hide it in his spacious jockstrap.

Now we have to ask: what kind of a wanker, playing an international sporting event where there are never fewer than a dozen cameras craned on the crease at any time, tries to cheat?
A bloody Australian, that's who.

But the one thing that always epitomises South Africa is our sense of humour. Inappropriate, hilarious, and totally on point...

But this lad takes the cake. Check this lightie:

Young South Africa fan has the crowd 'in stitches' after asking Nathan Lyon to sign a piece of SANDPAPER in wake of ball-tampering shame at Newlands

[Source: Daily Mail]



Someone buy that boy a Steri Stumpie!

Break-Ups Blow... How To Navigate The Storm 0

Breakups blow chunks.

Whether it’s an amicable split or a horrible, crash-and-burn situation, you’ve invested a part of yourself into another person, and must now accept that a relationship that you once nurtured is dead as disco.
Brain-mapping studies have shown that the same regions of the brain are activated when an addict is going through withdrawals as when someone is going through a breakup, so that pain you are feeling is real, and we aren’t here to deny you that.

The good news? It takes 21 days to break a habit. That effectively means that after 21 days, your brain literally starts rewiring itself and you will find yourself subconsciously adapting to your new life, whether you wanted to or not!

In the meanwhile, to get you through the next three weeks of crazy, we have compiled a great do’s-and-don’ts list to make it just a little easier.

DO...
Cut off contact as far as possible. Be a grown-up about it, and if you share life logistics you might have to communicate through this shit show, but for the love of all things sane don’t go checking their social media every five minutes. Delete that. Exhale.
DON’T…
In fact, don’t go onto social media. Your weepy vague moody posts are like a car accident - you don’t need people rubber necking at the wreckage of your heart. Keep your dignity.

DO…
Make an angry break-up song playlist. Play it loud. Sing along. Swear. A lot. 
DON’T…
Watch “Me Before You”. Are you a sadist?

DO…
Write it out. Write all the things you hated about them, and the reasons it would never work. Write down a list of what you have learned, and what was good. Write a letter telling them that they were a lousy lover and that you hope they get piles and mistake Deep Heat for the Preparation H.
DON’T…
Send it to them.

DO…
Focus on some self-care. Go for a run, because the endorphins will literally improve your mood. Have a massage. Meditate. Read a nice boring non-fiction book to take you out of your head. Brush your goddamn teeth and get out of pajamas, because you will never feel better if you look in the mirror and give yourself a fright.
DON’T…
Go day drinking. Nothing good ever came from tequila at 11am. And if you do want to hit the booze, phone a friend. Give them your phone. Make sure that there is no drunk texting.

DO…
Flirt it up. Smooch a hot stranger in a nightclub. Hell, it’s a nice distraction and a reminder that you are sexy and the possibilities are endless, you are not going to die with your virginity growing back.
DON’T…
Opt for break-up sex. Oh, we know. It’s hot. It’s tearful and romantic and dramatic, and it’s VERY VERY BAD FOR YOU. Don’t go down the rabbit hole. Rip the band-aid off, stop rubbing salt in there, you idiot.

DO…
Be kind to yourself. Have a cry. Take a personal day.
DON’T…
Stay there indefinitely. You have to keep moving to get through this.

DO...
Talk it out with friends. Organise coffee [wine] dates to keep you distracted and your calendar full. Work out what you’re finding hard: is it the person you miss, the future you thought you had, is your ego bruised, or do you feel like you let them down? Find a constructive dialogue so that you can take the good out of this.
DON’T…
Shit-talk your ex too much. Let your friends remind you of all the things they hated about them, laugh it off, but don’t play the blame game. Everyone owns a part of this and you never look good by making other people look bad.

DO…
Be gracious. Be the bigger person. You don’t have to take abuse, but just disengage from it rather than being aggressive and awful and spiralling things to a worse place. You never know where things would be going, so don’t cock things up further. THINGS CAN ALWAYS GET WORSE.
DON’T…
Burn their shit or rub their toothbrush in the toilet.
Or just make sure they never find out.

Online Dating... Discerning or Desperate?! What you need to know. 0

The fact is that in today’s day and age, it is incredibly hard to meet people outside of your current work and friendship circle. In any case, what are the chances that your ideal mate is lurking in that incredibly small demographic?! Virtually nada. Enter the online world, one that is full of nice normal people looking for a meaningful connection, as well as those looking for a potential pet to keep in their basement. It’s really wonderful how there is something for everyone.

Jokes aside, there are loads of advantages to online dating:

- It’s a great opportunity to be upfront about your wants and needs in a relationship without chemistry clouding that initial interaction

- You get to meet people that you ordinarily wouldn’t interact with

- It’s a safe way to interact and get to know someone

- You can totally ‘meet’ people while sitting on your sofa in pj’s eating toast with the dog

- You can narrow search criteria to fit you, eg. smokers, children, interests, etc.

One in three people in SA have tried online dating, so you can stop feeling like you are either pathetic or strange. In any case, you could always lie about how you met. That said, there are a couple of things you should remember to make your dive into online dating as smooth as possible…

ADVICE…

1. You probably won’t find your ‘perfect match’ right away - persevere!
Hell, how many of us EVER find a perfect match?! Unfortunately, when you join a dating site or download a dating app, you probably won’t be presented with your one true love’s profile right away (trying not to say “DUH”). Dating apps help introduce you to people so you can discover who you want to date, but instant love connections don’t authentically happen at first click. You’ll likely browse profiles, chat with people, and maybe even decide to meet some people in person before finding somebody that really intrigues you. But that’s part of the fun! Don’t get discouraged if you don’t find “the one” right away and just enjoy the ride while you learn how to flex those dating muscles again.


2. Find the right dating app
Not all dating apps are created equal. Some have you “swipe” through potential dates, saying “yes” or “no” to many profiles in rapid succession. Others let you take more time to search for matches based on variables like age, location, and interests. It’s totally normal to try out more than one type of dating app to see what you like best, as well as one aimed at your desires, for lack of a better word. Want a hot hook-up? Go for Tinder. Looking for a meaningful connection? Try EliteSingles or DatingBuzz. You might prefer the search criteria on one site, or the convenience of another. This doesn’t make you promiscuous, it makes you discerning ;)


3. Don’t be pushy… it’s creepy
Online dating newbies may be excited to get things started, but they should make sure they don’t get the etiquette wrong. Don’t harass people. Don’t send repeat follow-up messages. Don’t be insistent. Even if you do find a match online, you should know that the texting interaction may be short-lived. With that in mind, send out messages with no firm expectations, and if you don’t hear back from someone within three to four days, move along without being abusive. It’s not a failure on your part, so just cut your losses and move on to the next awesome person who IS interested.

4. Focus on the hard-hitting details
What do you have in common with your love interest? Is there something that is a no-go for either of you? Pay attention to what they say (and don’t say!) as opposed to a great picture. Your strongest first message to explore a connection will likely come from honing in on one or two aspects of someone’s profile, like aspects that you may have in common. The perfect first message should be organic and interesting, demonstrating that you read their profile, and present a cool but fun opportunity to communicate.


5. Stay true to yourself - ditch the filter
Take time to create a strong first impression. You’re given the flexibility to create a profile of who you are and what you want, so use it! Don’t try to perfect your profile - not only does it look unbelievable, but it’s just opening the door for deep disappointment. Disappoint them upfront! Keep it fun but say that you hate sport, or thing SoundGarden is overrated. It also opens the door for a good conversation.
And yes, you’ll probably want to use a flattering photo where you look your best, but it should be normal photo that is still easily recognisable. Beyond that, don’t get tied up in looks when browsing potential partners… sometimes someone amazing could be hiding behind a bad pic. But ALWAYS insist on photos, and several at that, to prove that the person actually exists.


6. Take the connection offline
When an initial connection doesn’t lead anywhere, don’t drag it out because you feel bad. Some people are just there to hook up and send angry messages when you stop texting them back. In these cases, you certainly have the right to sever communication - listening to your gut is extremely important. But if you hit it off with someone online, the next step is to meet in person. It can be nerve-wracking, but this is the entire point! See what’s really there or not. Of course, be smart about where you meet - it should always be in a public space. With a big bathroom window, in case you need to climb out.

BEWARE…

Err on the side of caution AKA "don’t land on an episode of CSI"
After you put yourself out there in the online dating world, it’s important to remember that people aren’t always what they seem. Unfortunately, even though most dating sites work to protect their members, there are still scammers out there. If you’re ever unsure about somebody, err on the side of caution. If somebody’s online dating profile seems too good to be true or if they’re dodging meeting you in person, it might be for a reason; they could be lying about something. If somebody sends you a message that makes you uncomfortable or pressures you for too much personal information, you have the option to block or report them. Have fun, but also be careful.

Watch out for scams
As if dating weren’t already hard enough, something that you should be aware of is that scammers and harassers lurk on dating sites. They’re NOT the norm, but they’re common enough that you should know the signs which indicate when you’re talking to one. If things are going a bit too smoothly or someone wants to move thing along very quickly, be cautious and go with your intuition. While possible love does require you to be open-minded and trusting, make sure you don’t let yourself get taken advantage of: someone you’ve just met requesting money should be deleted, reported, and forgotten.

REMEMBER…

Be transparent, not a tool
One of the difficulties of dating is knowing what everyone’s expectations are. Are they looking for a one night stand or a member of their cult? Are they planning a date with you because they adore you or are they just looking for something fun to do? This uncertainty is exacerbated online when communicating via text, which is a great way to cock up tone and read what you want. So rather be as straightforward as possible. If you’re interested in asking someone out, you may want to include a line in your profile about your preference for in-person interaction. Similarly, if you’re just looking for friends or online connections, be upfront about that so you don’t get someone devastated because they were planning a wedding. It’s fine to want a casual hook-up. It’s not fine to mislead anyone.

Don’t be a jerk
Kindness counts. You can say no without being rude. If somebody sends you a message and you’re not interested, there are ways to decline without hurting feelings. We suggest keeping it simple and direct: Hi, thanks for your message, but I think we’d be better suited as friends.

Good luck out there!

Joburg In Autumn: Squeeze The Last Of Your Summer! 0

Autumn is a perfect time of year to be in the vibrant and bustling Johannesburg, as the crowds start to disappear and the weather is still warm enough for skirts and shorts, but not so hot that you want to crawl inside your freezer. It’s the perfect time for exploring the gems in the city, inside or outside.

KLIPRIVIERSBERG NATURE RESERVE

Just 15km from Sandton lies a stunning 680 hectare nature reserve fondly named ‘The Jewel of the South”. Open 7 days a week from sunrise to sunset and with no entrance fee, Klipriviersberg is the perfect spot for a hike where you can witness its abundance of indigenous flora and maybe spot a few of the resident wildlife including zebra, red hartebeest, porcupines, black wildebeest, otters, blesbok, springbok, duiker and 170 bird species. The perfect spot to feel like you are in the bush, away from responsibilities and the busy city.

THE LIVING ROOM

This urban jungle oasis is situated in an exciting revived creative area of Maboneng. The Living Room is a unique rooftop venue that will make you feel as if you’ve been transported to a garden in the sky with its luscious greenery and outdoor atmosphere. It’s a multi-functional space designed to incorporate the effect of plants, nutritional food, creative design and all things that bring good vibes. The rooftop offers amazing views of the city and the juxtaposition of urban planting and concrete jungle creates a unique atmosphere that peaks on a Sunday afternoon for "Sundays in The Living Room" where sundowners, rooftop views and a soundtrack provided by an eclectic mix of local musicians make for a phenomenal end to the week.


THE MARKET THEATRE

Founded in 1976 and built up in the old Indian Fruit Market that dates back to 1913, The Market Theatre is steeped in history and has earned a reputation of being the ‘Theatre of the Struggle’ as it pushed the limits of censorship by hosting productions of protest during South Africa’s apartheid era. To this day it keeps this tradition and pushes the envelope by hosting important productions that highlight contemporary social issues. Internationally acclaimed and well known for hosting popular productions such as Sophiatown and debuting some of Athol Fugard’s dramas, The Market Theatre is the perfect spot to indulge in the arts for an evening. See the renown The Colour Purple, on at the moment!


THE ORBIT JAZZ CLUB

In the heart of Braamfontein lives a dynamic jazz club reminiscent of social clubs of bygone eras. Open from 17h30 to 01h30 and performances starting at 8pm on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, 8:30pm on Friday and Saturday, and 6pm on Sunday. With an array of jazz musicians performing every night The Orbit is the perfect spot for music lovers to eat, drink and enjoy the soothing tones of incredible jazz. The bistro menu caters to all needs, whether you need a big meal or yummy snacks, and adds to the relaxed atmosphere. To find out more about upcoming performances or bookings contact info@theorbit.co.za or by phoning +27(0)11 339 6645.


PICNIC AT THE WALTER SISULU BOTANICAL GARDENS

The Walter Sisulu Botanical gardens boasts a beautiful array of local Highveld grassland vegetation and is a stunning slice of peaceful paradise. At the foot of the Witpoortjie Waterfall is a perfect grassy spot for an autumn picnic and some smooches from your better half. Surrounded by a mixture of rocky cliff face and lush vegetation it’s a stunning spot to spend the afternoon with the family where the kids can run wild. You may even be lucky enough to spot a pair of black eagles that are the only nesting black eagle in Johannesburg that call The Gardens home. Open daily from 08h00 to 17h00.

School Morning Madness - How To Curb It 0

“Help! I wake up at 5am and I STILL can’t get my kids out the house on time!”
This was posted by one of the desperate moms on a group in response to the back-to-school stress many find themselves experiencing and contemplating alcoholism over.

We all discussed the best ideas to get the kids ready and out the door with minimal mom stress, then we laughed like it would actually work, and now I have compiled the best ideas here for us all to try so we don't land up in straight-jackets together.

1. Have a schedule

Have a daily schedule, as well as the different activities or extramurals that each child does, up on the wall either in their bedroom or in the central hub of the kitchen. This makes it easy to identify Tuesday as tennis day, Wednesday as violin day, or Thursday as extra maths torture, and pack the appropriate bags ahead of time, avoiding the morning madness and last minute panic of “But I need…" 
Have the time they should be waking up, getting dressed, and leaving home by, even if they don't stick to it entirely, and consider having a merit chart for the younger ones to incentivise punctual and organised behaviour. Five gold stars gets them a pony. Or a chocolate, whatever.

2. Get organised the night before

Now you need to obey that schedule the night before! Get the bags packed and either IN the car, or waiting by the front door so you just need to put lunchboxes in. Speaking of which, lunch can be packed the night before too, so you don’t need to worry about organising two meals in one go. Leave them in the fridge, in clearly marked lunchboxes, and all the kids need to do is pop them in their bag. Next, lay out uniforms down to their underwear, so that they can roll out of bed, brush their hair and get dressed without having a tantrum about AWOL socks or a dirty shirt! And lastly make sure all kids bath the night before, so there are no day-dreamy morning showers or submarine expeditions while you are trying to get into the car.

3. Start delegating

Obviously this needs to be age-appropriate, but for example telling kids to pack their own lunchboxes in their school bag is an appropriate level of responsibility for the younger ones to assume. Older kids can make their own lunch, and learn some life skills that they will need so desperately for varsity! Have a clock up in the bathroom and the kitchen, and get tough but not hysterical: when it is time to leave, you are ready waiting in the car. If your kids are late that becomes part of their problem to explain to the teachers.
Start encouraging them to check their own schedule and have a rule that whatever they forget is their problem… and stick to it! Do not make repeat trips to school to bring what they have left behind. Chances are that when they have to deal with the consequences once, they won’t forget again.



4. Make breakfast for the masses

One pot of oatmeal, with fruit and nuts added, is easy for everyone to sit down and feed themselves. Set a timer, and everyone must be sitting by 6.30 and done by 6.45. Or get eating on the go, and make one blender of smoothies, which you can then pour into each child’s bottle for the car trip to school. I love to add a bit of FutureLife, milk, fruit, yoghurt, and a spoon of peanut butter to smoothies to give everyone a sustainable and balanced breakfast that will fill them up and see them to lunch.



5. Lead by example

This is an awful one, because nothing can show you up like your kids! Kids learn by mimicking us. If you create a good routine for yourself and abide by it diligently, the children will fall in line more easily. It might mean waking up a half an hour earlier to water the garden or do some crunches, which might mean going to bed a half an hour earlier. But if YOU can avoid that mad rush and panic in the mornings because YOU are more organised, it can only catch on. If they consistently see you make better life choices for yourself, the foundation of self respect and a good attitude, they will stop the arguing and follow your lead.
Or not.
These are kids, after all, no one has all the answers.

A friend said to me recently, “Don’t worry, the first twenty five years of parenting are the hardest.” Try not to let it get you down, stress you out, and do you in! Follow these ideas for your morning routine and hopefully there will be leaps and bounds of improvements for everyone. If not, well hell, there is always wine.

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